EBH #2: The “First Night Pain” everyone talks about

We’ve all heard people hinting or speaking about first nights, and most of us are curious about it. If you are of those that have heard people speak about it, you’d notice that people’s opinions and experiences are so varied and so vast. But first, let me clear a very common misconception. Your “first night” doesn’t have to be the night of your wedding. You and your spouse as a couple can decide what you both feel comfortable with. As a point in an earlier post stated, you both might be too tired to want to do anything even. Now that that’s cleared out, let’s dive in.

I noticed, from the tales I heard before getting married, that the common notion that was spread about first nights did nothing but breed fear. People spoke of excruciating pain and about how intimacy is nothing to write home about. But ladies, you and I know, that Allah is the most merciful Lord, and He only prescribes to us that which is beneficial to us. Intimacy between husband and wife is a very sacred and divine bond. One so divine that through it, the couple gains rewards. Intimacy isn’t meant to be one-sided. It isn’t meant as a punishment for women (by means of excruciating pain) and pleasure for men. It is meant to be pleasurable for both parties if done the right way. Even the prophet (s.a.w) cautioned men against gratifying themselves alone while leaving the women behind.

Now,  let’s get this out of the way also. Your first night isn’t meant to hurt beyond the initial phase (and even that slightly), due to the tearing of your hymen, which is a thin membrane partially covering the entrance to your lady parts. And another misconception is that you have to bleed after your first encounter. That is, as I mentioned earlier, a misconception. The hymen is a flexible membrane and some women have theirs intact right until child birth, and there are so many other causes of breakage of the hymen apart from intercourse so don’t let anyone in this century shame you because you don’t bleed on your first night. Educate them instead.

Now that we’ve put that aside, I’ll tell you what causes that pain a lot of people speak about. LACK OF PATIENCE! You heard me right. Now let me explain. Ideally, foreplay is meant to precede intercourse. It has also been prescribed prophetically. You ask what’s foreplay? I’ll give an example. Kissing, and touching one’s wife in a way that would get her aroused enough for her to become wet down there. (After a while in marriage, the woman would understand better what arouses her and she SHOULD communicate that across to her husband). Ladies, don’t be shy to tell your man what you like better or what feels nicer. Communication is key to every aspect of marriage, and intimacy is an important part of it. It is of paramount importance that the wife is aroused enough and wet enough. Imagine what happens when a door or gate isn’t greased. It gets super squeaky and doesn’t function properly. Friction. So also, without proper lubrication, there would be inappropriate friction which will inevitably cause micro-tears in the woman which causes the pain. Now, why I mentioned lack of patience is because both the man and woman are in a hurry to get into the main act of intimacy that they forget the simple yet vital act of foreplay, or they just don’t give it enough time. It’s like trying to drive your car without warming your engine. That could potentially cause problems.

And please, if you happen to feel excruciating pain, do not be shy to tell your husband to go easy or even take a break till you are warmed up again, or you could always try again another time. Most times, your spouses are concerned about you and want to know if you are doing okay. So they wouldn’t be hurt if you tell them you are in pain.

Also, it is very very very important, that the man makes his wife comfortable and eases her of any fear that she has because her being tensed and not relaxed can also make things more painful for her.

If everything is done gradually, with patience, love, and tenderness, and in the right way, you have a recipe for a healthy and pleasurable intimate life. Most importantly, be patient with the process. You both are learning, and trying to understand your bodies and what works for you both, the more time given, the better you both will be, so a couple of years down the line you both would be in perfect sync, able to gain pleasure from each other and gain rewards from the Almighty.

(I’ll also recommend reading a couple of Islamic books about sexual intimacy. There is a wealth of material out there and it would make your life, and the life of your spouse much easier.)

Sheikh Yasir Qadhi’s E-Book is a good start, Find link to book HERE

And that’s it guys, If you have any question please leave it in the comment section or you can always send a mail @ salam@tblt.com.ng