EBH #8: Is the first year of marriage as hard as people make it seem? My experience!

The number of times I heard “The first year of marriage is the toughest year of Marriage” before getting, I cannot count. So even when I tried repelling the thoughts I couldn’t or maybe I didn’t try enough, Would you blame me? 

I heard this statement so much that I felt it was necessary to prepare myself for the worse, like you don’t prepare yourself for the worse when you are getting married… Lol.

Anyways, there is nothing wrong with preparing yourself but the kind of community most us of live in tend to influence a negative preparation than a positive one. Somebody will come and say, “Am I not an Adult” now, Believe it or not this things happen…So don’t judge me and people like me (Roll eyes, lol)

Before I go on, let me just tell you and emphasize the fact that, There are actually sweet, lovely, romantic marriage out there, like Subhanallah, there are people enjoying their marriages with or without kids but the truth is no one feels it’s okay to say, “ My marriage is sweet” for various reasons, everyone makes it feel like marriage is a burden and it’s suppose to be that way. So even when you are enjoying the marriage, you are suppose to come out and say things like “ ‘Men are scum’, ‘women are all troublesome’, ‘they are all the same’, ‘we should just be thanking God there are people experiencing worse’ Regardless of what you do, few month later romance will die’ e.t.c…..” My sister! It is a lie! Not all marriages are like this, You have been warned!!!!!

So just like I said earlier, I was prepared to always switch it for my husband anytime he does something I felt wasn’t okay within our first year of marriage, let’s just say, I choose fight instead of communication because I felt that was the best way to remind him that, I won’t allow him turn me to a slave or treat me the way other men treat their wives…

Thinking back now, the whole drama was funny but Alhamdulillah, I had another chance to retrace my steps (Not everyone does)…So because of my well practiced stubbornness, it’s okay to say, My honeymoon officially started in the 3rd month of our marriage! Yes! Because in the first/second month all I was trying to do was prove a point that wasn’t even there!

My husband will say things like, “I think you are stressed out of our wedding, You need some rest” but that in itself will become an issue, I would be so pissed over little things just because I wanted to and not because it happened naturally! I mean don’t they say the first year of marriage is the toughest year? Ehn, let’s tough it together now…lol! Does that even make sense?

Alhamdulillah for the man Allah blessed me with, it was easy for him to realize I was acting based on something I was told, he would say things like “this one you are acting like someone told you marriage is supposed to be like this, better bring yourself here let’s enjoy this Suya of love…” (He ate a lot of suya then..)

I would do silly thing and then asked myself who sent me!   The only time I was nice and all loving was when I needed something, Until my husband had an asthma attack in our second month of marriage, I knew he had Asthma but that was my first time seeing him have an attack, The speed I used in getting his Inhaler was that of Usain Bolt, it wasn’t the speed of an ordinary person, it was the speed of a wife who genuinely loved her husband! And Subhanallah, while he was resting on my laps afterwards, My thoughts had gone 360! I thought of the worse, to think we had a fight earlier over breakfast! God! That’s how my husband would have died not being pleased with me, tears were rolling down my cheeks like a baby that’s was denied 5 Naira biscuit….About 30 minutes into all these drama, guess who bursted out in laughter? My husband…

In his words “ Darling Wifey, So you care this much? This kind of care can heal this Asthma forever, I am telling you…” We both laughed! I stood up to get him something to drink, but he refused, pulled me back and that was the longest conversation in almost 8 weeks we had been married! And believe it or not that was the coziest we had been in those weeks!

It’s been 3 years of marriage and I tell you those 8 weeks never returned tho it gave birth to the name “Darling Wifey” (which I love because of the sarcasm in it) and my husband still uses Asthma attack to blackmail me whenever he wants something….

Why am I sharing this? When you are about getting married, people will advice you, say all sort of things, it’s okay to listen but then it’s okay to apply wisdom as well. It’s not everything you hear or read that you act upon…

Lay a good foundation in your first year, try to understand your partner better, enjoy it as much as possible, there is always something fun to do so long as you want to, try new things, this isn’t to say everything will be all smooth but be prepared to approach them nicely, you need be extra patient in marriage, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tackle issues, but patience gives you a clearer view as to how to handle them, say your husband puts his shoes in the wrong place, my dear it’s not time to flare up because you aren’t used to it, it’s time to think of how to make him stop in a very nice way, I promise this will only make your marriage sweeter!!…. Till date, I still don’t like to think of our second year of marriage because it was the year Allāh tested our love for each other but again having to go through it all with my partner was such a blessing… So it doesn’t always have to be the first year of marriage and regardless of the year, Understand that your marriage mustn’t be like that of your friends or neighbors, your marriage is your marriage and only both of you are involved, so learn to talk things out and learn to pray…

It’s 2018, please, if you are enjoying your marriage, it’s okay to say ‘my marriage is Alhamdulillah’ or better still just keep quiet, you honestly don’t have to add to the numbers of people who say things like marriage is extraaaaa hard…

And to those who are truly struggling, Allah hears you…

May Allah make it easy for everyone, Amin. I wish you all a happy marriage…