EBH #7: “I couldn’t… So I asked him to marry a second wife…”

Life! Life! Life! I remember seeing BK’s Instagram post about amount of love and support she has gotten over this segment and something immediately said, Email her. later that evening she requested for a post and I was very skeptical, I wasn’t going to do this now but then I realized Ramadhan is approaching and prayers will intensify, People who are single and still searching won’t go slow on the Du’as at all, Which is fine, I just don’t want you guy’s thinking because you met him at the Masjid, he is now your all shades of “Ustadh”.

I am sure you are wondering what I am driving at, about 2 years ago my ‘Ustadh’ approached me for marriage, this brother is such a cool dude and well learned..You won’t believe it. he literally won’t talk without talking about God or sharing some Sahaba’s story, I thought Awesome! I will learn so much from him. It was always exciting to hear him speak, we loved and still love each other, we talked about everything ‘talkable’ asides topics that were termed taboo in the society…You know this right?

As a typical Northern girl that I am, How dare me talk about intimacy with the person I was to be getting married to, Just kill me. We never had any discussion in that line only that we sort of knew deep down that we were down to please each other in the best of ways..But wait is it haram { forbidden} to discuss intimacy in a modest way with whom you are getting married to? what am I even saying, I never had this discussion with  my own mother….

I respected him so much that I used to call him ‘Yaa Ustadh’ In a very nice tone and he would always smile, I loved his depth of knowledge couple with the fact that he is a very humble man.

We got married and just a couple of months after things changed, Although my husband was an Ustadh or at least my very own scholar, he had a past which I was aware of, I mean, Don’t we all have a past? Everything was always fine until it was that hour of the Night, I am the calm and dead romantic type intimacy wise but my husband is the entire opposite, the idea of treating me like the Queen that I am was totally out of the window, I felt Intimacy wasn’t an emotional thing for him, it was some kind of experiment but again, he will get so pissed when I insist I am not an actress.

How am I expected to act like people in the movies, why should I do things that I don’t see myself doing even in the next life? The Ustadh that I would see during the day time was totally different at night, Every time I mange to convince him that Intimacy doesn’t have to be like an action movie, he says otherwise and ends with “I know you will change, I will overlook this just for tonight” and In my head, I am like isn’t this what it’s meant to look or feel like? Anything other than this is slavery… We were always good until it was time to have that discussion or time to please each other…

As time went by it got worse I would always think we will get better and he would probably change his mind over me going oral on him but he would not stop preaching to me as to how it isn’t haram in Islam, I tried! read all sort of things but I just couldn’t bring myself to do such. Asides the fact that I felt and still feel it is disgusting, I feel like a slave doing such…. Nooo! and yea, That was literally our major issue..

For over a year, we constantly had issues to the point where I lost interest in the act itself, My brain literally programmed itself to be satisfied with Foreplay, I would always push him away post foreplay and you can tell already that didn’t make anything better. Intimacy was the only thing we fought over, As a matter of fact, if you see us apologizing to each other just know that was the discussion…

It was draining, whenever he looked sad I would blame me and the internet didn’t help neither did friends and relative did, It was literally like, the only thing you can do to please your husband was to go oral on him, hell no! It was no big deal to a lot of people and to think I felt because he was that religious he wouldn’t ask for such???? I lied. slowly and slowly the spark between started disappearing and it was obvious, I would constantly stare at him to be sure he was the person I got married to and being that he knows me, he would look me in the eye and say, I am still the one baby, there is nothing wrong with what I am asking for.. I got tired and asked him to get married to another woman, I genuinely meant that, I told him I won’t be angry at all and If that’s what will make him happy, I am fine by it, He was angry at me and as a matter of fact we went days without talking to each other, he wouldn’t even look at me…

After days of communicating via text and notes, he said by Allah I would rather remain single than get married to another woman..I felt bad, terrible but I still couldn’t bring myself to please him the way he wants and I was tired of explaining how I feel Intimacy should be like… Are you wondering if we read books? we didn’t even do books individually, we read them together… One minute we are fine and another minute we are not but we sure do love each other.  At the moment, we are not divorced but we don’t live together, We don’t intend to go the divorce route but this has to be resolved one way or the other…. We have been talking and we are hoping positive comes out of it… Trust me it is hard…

In this holy month, you will meet plenty of brothers with beards, please take your time, never assume someone is a sheikh, i don’t know how you will discuss these things but there must be a way, make sure your stands are clear, we always assume non-muslims or people who don’t practice islam are the only ones involved in things like these, we lie.. The reality is we just don’t come out to talk about these things but they exist in the Muslim community, worse is happening…

May Allah make it easy for me and you, I wish you all a beautiful Ramadhan, Please pray for me and my husband..

Assalamu alaikum Warahmatullah Wa barakahtuhu…